im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm both gender and math confused
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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