We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
