I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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