My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
