the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
