you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
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I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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