I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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