Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
