I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
