I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
