i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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