Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
