She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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