fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
