I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
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I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.