I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar