she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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