Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
