There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Randomize
