btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i've created a new STD.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
