So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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