shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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