All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
