Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
