I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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