then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
