he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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