And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
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Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
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My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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