So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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