She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
