You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
