Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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