You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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