This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
