Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
