So drunk its hurt
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
