i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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