are you so shy because you have an std?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
