We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
