Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
