Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Less talking, more tequila
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
