I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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