I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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