Sacagawea was the original milf.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
