I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
