Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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