so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
