Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
