my phone needs a breathalizer
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
