So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
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A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
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I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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