Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
