i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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