Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
