He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
