U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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