I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We don't watch enough power rangers
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
