i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
