I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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