I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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